Why don’t we ask for help? Why don’t we ask more questions in general? As I have reflected on my own experiences and observed other leaders around me, it appears to me that fear is the culprit the majority of the time.

When we, as leaders, find ourselves struggling with the same situation repeatedly, the majority of the time I have observed that it usually comes down to one of two reasons… We are either afraid to have direct conversations with our people, or we are afraid to ask for help. This post addresses the latter.

What exactly is it that we are afraid of? Questions in and of themselves are not scary, but the consequences (unwarranted as they may be) of our questions can appear to be very real. The fear of those consequences can lead us down a very unproductive path. Where do those fears come from?

They come from thoughts or statements like this….

We are the “leaders.” We are supposed to have all of the answers. We are supposed to be able to do the job. That’s why they hired us instead of the other guy, right?

Those thoughts or statements can lead us to feelings of inadequacy, failure, vulnerability, etc…

We question our own worth. We start to worry about what others will think of us if we ask for help. This is a dangerous place to be because we’ll ultimately find ourselves either living in a massive holding pattern where we take no action at all, or we’ll end up making hasty decisions. Neither of which does us much good.

I was just commenting to a couple colleagues the other day about how I used to struggle with this. The root of it, I have since discovered, was having a fixed mindset. Growing up, I was labeled “the smart kid,” “the athlete,” and “the leader.” I was expected to have it all together all of the time. I found my worth in these identities. That lead to some serious challenges in my early adulthood.

I found myself avoiding risks entirely. If I did not know the answer, or if I did not know, with a fair amount of certainty, how the situation would work out in the end, I would avoid it altogether. I stayed in my lane, and I stuck to what I knew best… football. There is no telling how many opportunities or experiences this caused me to miss out on.

Thankfully, in 2012 someone encouraged me to read “Mindset” by Carol Dweck. That was a life-changing moment for me. As I read her book, there was an almost instant change in how I talk to myself, how I talk to my own children, how I talk to my colleagues, how I coach, and how I teach. I remember thinking to myself the first time I read it, “I wish someone would have taught me these things 25 years ago!”

The more I have read about “growth mindset,” the more freedom and grace I have given myself. I have realized that I do not have to have all of the answers, and I realized that not asking questions was holding me back. Dweck’s book helped me find value in “the process.”

I cannot imagine trying to do my current job without asking questions. When I interviewed for this administrative role, I distinctly remember one of the questions I was asked… “When do you ask questions?” I don’t know if I’ve ever answered a question so quickly, “ALL OF THE TIME.”

At the moment, I was just being transparent. I didn’t know if that would hurt my chances of getting the job or help them, but if they didn’t want someone who was going to ask a lot of questions, then I wasn’t going to be a good fit.

Thankfully, they hired me. Even more thankfully (is that a phrase?), they really don’t mind me asking questions. I joke all of the time about wearing out the carpet in the hallway between my office and the rest of our administrative team because I make so many trips back and forth asking questions.

On an almost daily basis, I come across new situations that I have never dealt with before. If I don’t ask questions or get help, there’s a good chance that I will mess it up, and that is going to cause someone else even more work in the end. The irony is that it is probably going to be the person that I would have asked for help from in the first place.

Even if you think your team doesn’t like it when you ask questions, I bet they dislike doing extra work even more.

What’s the point?

Ask questions. Ask for help. Be a little bit vulnerable with your team. Contrary to what you probably think, no one really expects you to be Superman. You’ll be amazed at how much more you will learn and how much more you will accomplish by opening up, being a little vulnerable, and asking questions.

Also, if you haven’t read it yet, go grab a copy of “Mindset” by Carol Dweck. I think it should be required reading for every teenager, parent, teacher, coach, or leader. Honestly, I think everyone should read it. I cannot think of anyone who would not benefit from Dweck’s research. There’s no way I could do this book justice in this short post. It’s a game changer in my opinion, and that’s why it sits firmly at the top of the list on my “Leaders are Readers” page.