“He gets upset and takes it personally because those kids don’t jump right when he says, ‘jump.’ They’re not buying what he’s selling, and it’s because he hasn’t built a relationship with any of them.”

That’s a quote from a good friend of mine. He was talking about one of his assistant coaches at the time. This is an assistant that he has also described as “brilliant” and as someone who “has a great mind for the game.”

One of the easiest mistakes for us to make is to assume that our “title” is going to immediately garner the respect of others. I still see it all of the time on the grass, on the court, in the classroom, and in the office. I am guilty, myself. We are shocked when someone asks why, and we grow angry when they don’t respond as quickly as we think they should (or in the way we think they should). 

When I was younger, I would NEVER have questioned a teacher/coach/boss (at least not out loud). EVER. However, the days of people blindly following their authoritarian leader are rapidly coming to a close. I would say that today most people will give us the benefit of the doubt in the very beginning, but we have to give them reasons to keep trusting us and listening to us.

There’s a reason that the cliche, “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” exists. IT’S TRUE.

Your talents, your skillset, your knowledge, and your expertise do not matter if your people do not believe that you genuinely care about them. Those things give you initial credibility, but that credibility will fade if you do not nurture the relationship. I like to think of each relationship as a savings account. Every time I ask/tell someone to do something, I am making a withdrawal. Every time I praise them, do something for them or talk to them about how THEY are doing, I am making a deposit. The tone, the content, and the length of all of these interactions determine the value of the deposit/withdrawal. If the withdrawals outnumber the deposits, the relationship goes bankrupt.

If all we do is yell or make demands, the relationship will go bankrupt extremely quickly, and then we’ll end up discouraged and frustrated. I worked with a coach years ago that really struggled with this. His knowledge of the game was strong, and he understood the fundamentals of the position he coached. The kids he coached were talented, and they had the skillset to be moderately successful. However, that unit underperformed on a regular basis. His kids hated him, and he was completely unaware of it. He grew exceedingly more frustrated, and that just led to him yelling at them even more than normal. It was a vicious cycle.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you feel like you’re being “disrespected,” or if your team is not responding the way you’d like them to, take a look at your “relationship ledger.” Think about your interactions with the people that report to you. Are you making more withdrawals or more deposits? Is the ledger in the red or in the black?

Here’s to all of us being more intentional about staying in the black!