When people talk about themselves, they often use a similar set of pleasant descriptors. “I’m a family man… I’m all about relationships… I got into education to make a difference… I believe in servant-leadership… I am coaching to change lives… etc…”

The question that I am going to ask today is simple (even if the answer isn’t). What would I see, feel, or hear if I walked into your home, office, classroom, or locker room?

Would my experience lead me to believe that you really are a family man? Would I feel your desire to build genuine relationships? Would I see you actively trying to make a difference? Would you be serving others?

A long time ago, one of my head coaches asked me to answer a question very similar to the one that I posed here. He wanted to know what I thought a blind person might hear at our practices and what a deaf person might see. When I sat down to answer his questions, I was shocked at what I came up with. If I was really being honest in my reflection, the answers to his question were not good. It was an eye-opening experience, to say the least.

I learned a lot in that moment.  I used to hear people throw out the phrase, “Don’t talk about it, be about it.” That kind of took on new meaning for me in that moment. I can’t say “I’m a family man” if I do not spend any quality time with my family or if I do not allow the people I lead to spend quality time with theirs. I cannot say “I’m all about relationships” if I’m not putting time and effort into developing quality relationships. I cannot call myself a “servant-leader” if I spend all day in my office. Actions certainly do speak louder than words.

So, how do we make sure that we actually are who we say we are? There are a couple of things that I am trying to do in order to improve in this area.

First, I have written down a vision for the life I want to live. I identified the things that are most important to me. In my mind I have seen myself being the husband, father, and leader that I want to be.

Second, now that I have a vision for the life that I want to live, I ask myself every now and then what someone else would see, feel, or hear if they spent time in my home or in my office. Usually, the answer that I come up with is very humbling. I know that am not who I want to be, but I can definitely say that I am getting better at recognizing my shortcomings and closing the gap between who I am and who I want to be.

My challenge to you is to do those two things. Don’t just float through life. Identify who you want to be and how you want to live your life. Then do frequent (and honest) check-ups. Sometimes the reflection can be painful, but it is worth it in the end.

Thanks for reading!