I hate that phrase. Really. I’m not exaggerating. I actually hate it.

My children blow me away with their intelligence. I know. I’m sure I’m looking through “daddy goggles,” but they really are sharp. They are inquisitive, creative, and thoughtful, and they have a love for learning and understanding that I wish I would have had when I was their age. The questions they ask and the things that they say end up leaving me speechless on a regular basis, and when well-meaning people tell them “how smart they are,” it sends chills down my spine. I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them right in front of my kids, “Don’t tell my kids how smart they are.”

Not only do I feel like that would be perceived as a jerk move (I’m sure some of you are probably calling me a jerk just for thinking it), but then I’d have to answer a barrage of questions from my kids about why I don’t want people to call them “smart.”

Why do I feel this way about a phrase that’s meant to be a compliment? Well, let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, there was a young boy named Lute. When he was in elementary school, he was labeled as “the smart kid.” He carried that with him for the first 5 years of school. In 5th grade, he was pulled into the “Gifted and Talented” program. Once a week, he and the other “smart girl” would hop on a bus and go to another campus where all of the other “smart kids” from the seven other elementary schools would spend a whole day honing their “giftedness.” We wouldn’t have to make up the work that we missed on our home campus because what we were doing at the “Gifted and Talented” school was “so important.”

I didn’t realize it at the time, but this had a huge impact on me. Most of that impact was negative. It created a separation between my classmates and me. They literally heard me get called “gifted and talented” every single week as I would walk out of class to get on the “gifted and talented” bus, and they never heard that said about themselves. It also created a “fixed mindset” in me that I would not be able to shake for more than 20 years.

Fixed Mindset

I became scared of asking questions for fear that people would no longer think I was “the smart kid.” Smart people don’t have to ask questions, right? I quickly learned to avoid situations outside of my comfort zone. When presented with an opportunity to learn how to do something new, often times, I’d avoid it like the plague. I stuck to what I knew, and I leaned entirely on my strengths. I worried A LOT. I experienced a great deal of anxiety if I wasn’t completely in control of a situation. I would look for the easiest way to do something, or I would spend inordinate amounts of time trying to make sure things were perfect before I jumped into it.

High school classwork was a competition. It was all about trying to have the highest grade in the class and getting the work done the fastest. As a result, I feel like I didn’t really learn much. That wasn’t the focus. Any learning that took place was just a bonus. If there was a class where I felt like I couldn’t be “the best” in the room (usually my English class), I took another approach… I played the “I don’t care about this” card. I’d be lazy, and I’d do just enough to get a B in the class, hoping that my GPA wouldn’t take that big of a hit. That was a lot easier than putting in a lot of effort just to land in the middle of the pack. I could just as easily land squarely in the middle of the pack by “not caring.” Unfortunately, high school was just about “playing school” for me. Keep looking like one of “the smart kids” whenever possible, and if it’s not possible, just act like you don’t care in order to save face.

I was very fortunate that football provided me the opportunity to choose where I wanted to go to school. I chose Southern Methodist University because I knew I would be the first person in my family to graduate from college, and I wanted it to be from a prestigious university. When I arrived in Dallas, it didn’t take me long to realize I was no longer “the smart kid.” SMU is an an expensive private school in the middle of the wealthiest part of Dallas. I stuck out like a sore thumb. At least that’s how I felt. I didn’t struggle in school, but I didn’t branch out the way most people do in college. I still carried around that anxiety, worry, and avoidance that I wrote about a couple paragraphs ago. I just stayed in my lane. I played a lot of football, and I got a degree. Did I learn a lot? Not as much as I should have. It took me a semester or two, but I learned how to “play school” there too.

Then I took a job as a high school teacher/football coach. It was an easy transition for me. I was coaching the position that I played in college, and I was teaching a content area that wasn’t very demanding. Again, I just stayed in my lane… Worry… Anxiety… Avoidance…

Things Got Better

I pretty much stayed in that mode of operation until the summer of 2013. That’s when I picked up a copy of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Stanford University psychologist, Carol Dweck. It immediately became my favorite book. I read it in one day, and I have never looked back. I loved it so much I even got our assistant superintendent to buy me a class set, so I could use it as a book study in the AP Psychology classes I was teaching at the time (Thanks, Dr. Dodd!).

As I read the book, I felt like I was reading about my life. Dweck shared her research, but more importantly, she shared repeated stories about people just like me who were constantly struggling with the same worry, avoidance, and anxiety. I saw the error in my way of thinking that had plagued me since I was a child. I had spent my whole life trying to “look smart” rather than actually developing the skills that would help me BE successful.

I had been stuck in what Dweck calls a “fixed” mindset, believing that my talents and my IQ were fixed traits. I needed to make a conscious decision to shift into what she calls a “growth mindset,” a belief that I’m never “finished.”

Over the course of the last 5 years, I have grown tremendously, and most that growth is due to a gigantic shift in the way I think as a result of reading Dweck’s book. While I still struggle with worry, avoidance, and anxiety from time to time, I am now able to recognize it in the moment and do something about it.

If you’re not familiar with Dweck’s work, you definitely need to check it out. There is no way I could do it justice in this 2,000 word blog post. Her book changed my life. There is a lot of information on her website, and she also has links to several articles that are outstanding. Check it out here: https://mindsetonline.com/index.html

Back on Topic

After studying Dweck’s work, I now attribute a lot of that worry, avoidance, and anxiety to being labeled as “smart” and “talented” at a young age. I don’t blame anyone for it. They thought they were helping me develop by encouraging me. I am the one who tried to live up to the labels. I’m the one who fell into the trap of the fixed mindset. The challenge for me now is to continue to work on developing a growth mindset as I step into new and uncomfortable roles. Knowing how important adult language is in the development of mindsets in children, my biggest concern these days is making sure that I do not instill a fixed mindset in my own children and the students that I serve.

My son was labeled “GT” last spring, and it has caused me a fair amount of concern. He’s seven years old. The GT programs in our district start in second grade, and they begin identifying/testing students during first grade. Last spring, Drew blew those tests out of the water, scoring in the top 1% in nearly every category. That’s when we found out that he would be in the GT program this year if we chose to allow it.

It was honestly a struggle for me. I know he needs that mental stimulation, and I want to challenge him. However, I also know the pitfalls that could await if his mother and I (and his teachers) are not mindful of the language we use around him. Besides, our school district has an outstanding elementary school curriculum, and I have complete faith in the education he would receive if we chose not to allow him to be in the GT program. the “on-level” curriculum in our district is considerably more advanced and more rigorous than the education I received in the “gifted and talented” program back in the 1980’s.

After several conversations, my wife and I decided to allow him to be a part of the GT program. He needs the challenge. I can’t cheat him out of that because of my fear or my experience. Although we’ve enrolled him in the program, we’ve never said anything to him about it. We don’t want him to ever hear that he’s “gifted and talented.” This decision stayed in the back of my mind all summer. Then I walked into the “GT Parent Meeting” last week at his school.

I was really concerned about it right up until the moment I walked into that classroom. As we walked in, the teacher handed us a piece of paper titled, “Stop Saying You Are So Smart.” Praise Jesus! She gets it! 

I can’t tell you the relief I felt in that moment. I immediately felt comfortable with our decision because I was reassured that the GT teacher wouldn’t be praising the wrong things. I’m pretty sure she even referenced Dweck’s work in the meeting. The paper she handed out went on to give parents a list of 30 alternative ways to praise their children. Here are a few of my favorites:

• You never gave up, even when it was hard.
• You really improved on _______________.
• What a creative solution to that problem!
• I love how you took ownership of that!
• I like the way you are doing ___________.
• It was brave of you to _______________.
• I can tell you studied very hard.
• I can tell you tried your very best because _____________.
• I am so proud that you made that choice.
• You are not afraid of a challenge! I love that!
• I really like the way you are thinking.

Wrap It Up

While it may make us feel good, the act of telling someone they are smart or that they played a great game does them no good. Why do you think they are smart? What about their game was great? Specific praise is what’s important here. Praise sustained effort. Praise good choices. Praise processes and habits that need to be developed in order to help them grow in areas that have a high likelihood of helping them become successful.

Think about how you talk to your children, your students, your co-workers, or your teammates. Are you helping them develop a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? Are your words setting them up for long-term success or failure? How do you talk to yourself or about yourself? Are you speaking yourself into a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? Your words matter. I promise.

It’s easier said than done. I catch myself saying things to my own kids that I never wanted to say. We’re going to do that from time to time. However, I think that if we focus on being intentional with our language as much as possible, we will allow the people around us to make their own decisions about their abilities, and that’s where we want to be.

Thanks for sticking with me if you’ve made it this far. I really appreciate your time. I hope you got something out of it. I really encourage you to extend your learning by checking out the information available on Dweck’s website. It’s free, and there’s enough of it there to give you a really good idea of what she’s talking about.

Thanks again for stopping by. Hopefully, we’ll see you next week!